Now I have a fear barrier against making a dress. I want to make a dress, but I don't want to. The fabric is the most gorgeous I could find. The pattern is wowee. But somehow I just can't make it. I go really slowly. I delay, procrastinate that means. Why? Because I want to have no dress. I don't want to be warm, you think, but no, I do, I just don't want to go out on a date which I will if I wear it. Because it would attract a husband. Then I would get married and have children and then they would grow up and go away and get married. And come and see me again and everything would be alright,
but it is that going away and getting married part that I delay making the dress about. They'll come back and see me again and I'll be old, too old to make dresses. So I'd better make that dress now, or I won't have a dress, but isn't that funny? I realized what it is, this missing them before they even go away and get married...It is that I lost them several times when I was hospitalized in my first family and after and I regret that and wish it hadn't happened.
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